After graduation everything seemed to change. The future started to feel more like a burden than ever. I seemed to have lost my vision and had it replaced by worry. Weeks went by as I struggled and inched my way into my own two feet again, and when I did everything was still different, including myself. The most important things in my life were off doing their own thing, what they needed to do, and I found myself stuck wondering what I needed to do?

It had been another one of those days. Waking up around 3 in the afternoon, after I said I wouldn’t - after I said countless times I would wake up early. I stayed in bed, as usual, because dad was eating in the kitchen. I didn’t have the strength so early to try any conversation. Naturally, I didn’t want to start my morning in an awkward situation and avoided the kitchen until he sat in his chair to watch the same things he does every day. This is when I was able to finally start my day, and I hated that I had to wait for someone else to do this. I would eventually realize later that I was waiting on the wrong person.

Later on that night after I finished studying I would have gone for my usual run but my leg had been hurting, so instead I swam. I’m so grateful for that pool. The moon was almost full and every light outside was off, including my neighbors, so it was perfect. I put on my goggles to look up at the world from underwater. It’s always nice to see things from a different perspective. However, when I noticed the bottom of the pool, I was in shock from what I was seeing. The entire bottom of the pool was electrified with rays of light, moving in a synchronized pattern and as bright as lightning. The purest, whitest light I have seen. Moonlight. My immediate thought was how cool would this be to experience it shrooming? I had to take the opportunity since the moon would only be this bright for a few more days, but once I walked inside that house all my doubtfuls ate me alive.  When would I do it? Would my mom be working late or would she be home that day? Am I really going to shroom at my house when I should be focusing on this test? All of these thoughts immediately exhausted the idea. However, the next day, around 1am I looked outside to see the light at the bottom of the pool and to my surprise it wasn’t there. I figured it was a good thing I didn’t bother getting those shrooms.

A few days later I got a call from an old friend asking for a shroom connect. So I did what I could and asked my brother for his and sent it over. My friend insisted that I joined and I eventually gave in, realizing that the moon was full that night. I took it as a challenge, something new, better than anything I had going on at the moment anyways. I wanted to see how I would hold my ground being in such an unstable position. The experience ended up being as I thought, and I left early, but I left so happy. I still felt the effect of the mushrooms and as I got home around 2am I knew all I needed was to go in that pool. Regardless of that light or not, I needed a swim.

I usually go with music set up and everything but this time I just went for it, not expecting anything. I didn’t have any goggles on me, just me and a full moon. I looked at that empty pool for a second, admiring how still the water was.. How ready it was to adapt to anything that comes it’s way, and most importantly, how gentle water is. I dived in, and as I was towards the bottom of the pool I opened my eyes and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The light was there, it was everywhere, and I came to the surface as fast as I could and just looked at that moon as if it had just told me something. I finally understood why the light was there. I had been wondering about it for days before. It was so obvious. It wasn’t the angle of the moon at any specific time, it was my ripples from being in the water that created that pattern of light. I damned myself for not having my goggles to see it properly, but that thought was quickly washed away when I realized what a coincidence it was that I was able to have the moment I wished for just a few days ago. Goggles or not, what I needed to see was more than just that light, because at that moment I realized the answer to everything, I realized the solution to every problem, and I realized the key to unlock any and every door. It’s you. It’s all you. You come first, and you have to take care of yourself. Eat clean, find a form of exercise you love, learn how to control your desires, set goals for yourself, MEET them, and grow. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else because in all honestly, no one is really going to do it for you. Some might feel sad about that fact, and I believe it’s because they are overwhelmed by the responsibility.. and that’s because that’s exactly what it is, it’s a huge responsibility, but I can truly see no greater power. We live in a time where everyone is distracted from themselves, trying to keep up with the latest trend and the coolest “friends”. In such a time where everyone loves to boast, inflate their egos, and worry about simple matters - stay true to yourself, always.

After that night I realized that I want to create that same pattern of light throughout my life, because life, just like the pool that night, is so much more beautiful when you are in it.

“If you do not seek anything from without, you are complete, you are entire, you are perfect. The moment you start desiring something from outside, trouble starts. You have already descended from the throne of an emperor and become a beggar. And once you are a beggar, it will be very difficult to find the throne again. The world is vast and desires take you far away.” 

— Osho

here-in-my-room:

Whatsoever happens, accept and enjoy, and don’t force anything. If you feel like talking, talk. If you feel like being silent, be silent – just move with the feeling. Don’t force in any way, not even for a single moment, because once you force anything you are divided in two – and that creates the problem, then your whole life becomes split.